4

Came out to my mother... yet again.... finally
610   31

  • Banned
    0

    So, after talking to my mother and telling her what was discussed at my new Psychiatrist appointment among many things came up the topic of me trying to be more social, meet new people, and put myself out there more to make new and hopefully close friends. This was her suggestion, in addition to trying again at finding work to help me improve my mental condition which has again deteriorated rapidly the last few months...

    Fast forward a bit in the conversation and I admitted to her that I had been having suicidal thoughts again, and have been very depressed and anxious. And that I had talked to my therapist about this at length, she though I did not present an immediate danger this time so she could recommend hospitalizing me again. She wanted me to be more honest with those close to me and tell them I was feeling this way, and to be understanding and look out for me if in this type of mood or exhibiting strange behavior. She also said I should call their crisis hotline or go to the ER if I started to feel this way in an immediate situation. I see her again in a month as she scheduled....

    Fast forward towards the end of the conversation... I finally told my mother that my Psychiatrist had read my file and brought up the topic of my sexuality and asked if that was at all related to my feeling of being trapped and hopelessness....

    I told her it was and I was still attracted to and as far as I knew was always attracted to other males. She wanted me to try to be a bit more open about this with my mother again, and at least not hide or ignore the subject like I had been as this was one of the root causes of my unhappiness.

    So I did as she asked, and I essentially came out a second time..... I say this as we have not talked about it in 3 or 4 years now since I originally came out to her and my father. She had long just pretended like it was a phase and that I was past it or that my sexuality could change or did change.

    Well I let her know calmly that we had discussed this at my Psychiatrist appointment, and that I had to tell her the truth that I felt attracted to men still. My mother was more calm this time, but I know it made her upset, I could tell by her expression... she looked like she was in mental agony again. And she reiterated that she would never accept it, thought it was wrong, or that I must have been molested at some point. And I told her, that I was ok with that finally, that I understood I could not change her mind, but that I still loved her anyways in spite of that. I made sure I reaffirmed several times that it was highly unlikely that my sexual feelings or identity was going to change, unless I just happened to feel something I had never felt before for a girl.

    She looked so disappointed and hurt as she did before. Though it hurt less than before, the rejection still hurts very badly. I could use a hug... I hate upsetting people I care about, but I guess at least this time I was more mentally prepared for the reaction she had. :(

    TL;DR I'm a f@gboi, I will always be one... and it is causing me great emotional and psychological distress for a number of various reasons, most of which relate to my family.


  • Banned
    1

    You know she's going through the card catalog of things she might have done over the years of raising you to make you gay.

    Like if only she would have cut your microwaved hot dogs into little pieces.


  • Banned
    0

    Yes, it was really painful for me to see that I hurt her that way.... even though it is not my fault and there is nothing I can do about it. It's one of the worst feelings in the world I think... I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


  • Banned
    1

    E_NAYD said:

    Like if only she would have cut your microwaved hot dogs into little pieces.

    My mom made this mistake once...... only once.

    If you gotta go go with a smile


  • Banned
    2

    I come from a very conservative family that I hate, and I've thought many times about pretending to be gay over a Christmas just to make them deal with it. Maybe hiring a really flamboyant actor to play my boyfriend that I take with me to the festivities. Like a shirtless Filipino guy with a bow tie and roller blades.

    I wonder if Panda wants to make some extra cash over the holidays..


  • SwimNinja
    0

    I say you go pound some guy to get your mind off it. I hear Zeni has been hitting on you.

    Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules: There's no government, no baby sitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind. And there's also no consistency.


  • Banned
    0

    PrincessUnikitty said:

    I say you go pound some guy to get your mind off it. I hear Zeni has been hitting on you.

    Lol, if only it were that easy for me to have sex with another guy without the numerous complications from my own psychology and the threat of being tossed on the streets.


  • Puppy Power
    0

    I can't wrap my head around the idea of people being so against homosexuality they would rather blame themselves than accept what has been naturally occurring as long as humans have walked the earth.

    09/13/03


  • Banned
    0

    E_NAYD said:

    I come from a very conservative family that I hate, and I've thought many times about pretending to be gay over a Christmas just to make them deal with it. Maybe hiring a really flamboyant actor to play my boyfriend that I take with me to the festivities. Like a shirtless Filipino guy with a bow tie and roller blades.

    I wonder if Panda wants to make some extra cash over the holidays..

    Lmfao, that's kind of funny. Thanks made me smile for a couple seconds at least...


  • SwimParagon
    0

    I can only offer e-hugs. e-hug

    I hope it helps at least some. That's a shitty situation to be in, and I don't envy you one bit.

    "I feel like I should be banning way more of you." -- SwimMod_Luuv


  • Babbling
    0

    I think everyone knows I'm a weirdo. Everyone in my family knows. I told my dad that I was bi. Now that he's dead I'm glad I told him before I had regrets.


  • Banned
    0

    Sawdamizer said:

    E_NAYD said:

    Like if only she would have cut your microwaved hot dogs into little pieces.

    My mom made this mistake once...... only once.

    Mine did too. When I asked for chocolate milk they knew it was time to go to church again.


  • Swimuminati
    0

    E_NAYD said:

    I come from a very conservative family that I hate, and I've thought many times about pretending to be gay over a Christmas just to make them deal with it. Maybe hiring a really flamboyant actor to play my boyfriend that I take with me to the festivities. Like a shirtless Filipino guy with a bow tie and roller blades.

    I wonder if Panda wants to make some extra cash over the holidays..

    I've done a version of this and I can vouch for how satisfying it feels....it, uh, gets weird after 2 hours or so


  • Banned
    0

    scoobdog said:

    I can't wrap my head around the idea of people being so against homosexuality they would rather blame themselves than accept what has been naturally occurring as long as humans have walked the earth.

    Their mindset is: the Bible says it's wrong. I believe in the Bible, it is the absolute truth and word of God, and therefor I can not openly accept or condone the sin of others, without calling into question other parts of my faith and the legitimacy of God. I can not continue to believe if anything in the Bible is wrong, therefor I have to uphold that every word is true, and right. Anything that is evidence or feeling or said to the contrary is being said to intentionally lead me away from God, and is a threat to my worldview.

    People frequently feel personally threatened by things they consider abnormal, can not reconcile, or can not accept with what they believe to be true about the world. To them admitting or thinking about such a thing would literally be the destruction of their Faith.


  • Banned
    0

    Mixboy said:

    E_NAYD said:

    I come from a very conservative family that I hate, and I've thought many times about pretending to be gay over a Christmas just to make them deal with it. Maybe hiring a really flamboyant actor to play my boyfriend that I take with me to the festivities. Like a shirtless Filipino guy with a bow tie and roller blades.

    I wonder if Panda wants to make some extra cash over the holidays..

    I've done a version of this and I can vouch for how satisfying it feels....it, uh, gets weird after 2 hours or so

    I revel in weird. I'm never more happy than when everyone else is miserably uncomfortable.


  • Banned
    0

    PerfectFlowingHair said:

    I can only offer e-hugs. e-hug

    I hope it helps at least some. That's a shitty situation to be in, and I don't envy you one bit.

    Hopefully I will be able to get enough support from friends or a boyfriend to move out.... sooner rather than later. As it is now I absolutely can not afford it though. And I need to increase my income, which is hard because I have not completely finished my education.... it's like a vicious cycle. And it is the reason I feel trapped and hopeless alot, and that I am wasting and have wasted a huge portion of my life. And it is definitely directly tied to the worsening of my depression.

    All I can do is work at it I suppose, and try not to let it beat me. I don't want to be moved to feel so hopeless I kill myself one day, I don't want to do that to the people that love me and still want me hear.


  • Puppy Power
    0

    Yeah, I know.

    09/13/03


  • SwimParagon
    0

    SandStone said:

    PerfectFlowingHair said:

    I can only offer e-hugs. e-hug

    I hope it helps at least some. That's a shitty situation to be in, and I don't envy you one bit.

    Hopefully I will be able to get enough support from friends or a boyfriend to move out.... sooner rather than later. As it is now I absolutely can not afford it though. And I need to increase my income, which is hard because I have not completely finished my education.... it's like a vicious cycle. And it is the reason I feel trapped and hopeless alot, and that I am wasting and have wasted a huge portion of my life. And it is definitely directly tied to the worsening of my depression.

    All I can do is work at it I suppose, and try not to let it beat me. I don't want to be moved to feel so hopeless I kill myself one day, I don't want to do that to the people that love me and still want me hear.

    Work at it, keep talking to others who support you, and know that you do, in fact, have a light at the end of the tunnel. I know firsthand that it super-sucks to be depressed, and the effort needed to break past it is typically not there, but... you've got help, ya?

    "I feel like I should be banning way more of you." -- SwimMod_Luuv


  • Swimuminati
    0

    E_NAYD said:

    Mixboy said:

    E_NAYD said:

    I come from a very conservative family that I hate, and I've thought many times about pretending to be gay over a Christmas just to make them deal with it. Maybe hiring a really flamboyant actor to play my boyfriend that I take with me to the festivities. Like a shirtless Filipino guy with a bow tie and roller blades.

    I wonder if Panda wants to make some extra cash over the holidays..

    I've done a version of this and I can vouch for how satisfying it feels....it, uh, gets weird after 2 hours or so

    I revel in weird. I'm never more happy than when everyone else is miserably uncomfortable.

    well then, prepare to be elated


  • Swimuminati
    0

    plus side, she's still in the game....shows concern for your well being....financially supports you...not the worst situation

    Personally, were I gay, I wouldn't care if my parents didn't like it as long as they still loved me....


  • Banned
    0

    She said she wouldn't throw me out on the Streets because of it.... but that could change she's crazy, controlling, and very fundamentalist in alot of ways. Nothing she does or says surprises me anymore.

    If I were to be kicked out because of being gay, I honestly am not sure if any of my friends here locally would be able to take me in...

    I am hoping that does not happen though. :(


Log in to reply