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RANT: McDonald's Farts: Simply the Worst
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  • Rants
    0

    "Kids love farts. Farting is like pooping, only without all the mess."
    - George Carlin

    "Every man loves the smell of his own farts."
    - Norse Proverb

    "Did somebody fart? Or did this whole room just drive through New Jersey?"
    - Crazy People

    Indeed, farting is a terrific boon to human existence on a personal level. Who among us has never laughed merrily after gassing out friends and relatives in a manner that would have made Wilfred Owen take pause? Can anyone here say that they weren't wholly satisfied by that last trip to the can that yielded only a cacophony of brassy butt music and no solid excrement? Certainly, it's usually pretty foul-smelling when you fart, but farting is a necessary activity and part of the human experience.

    Now, I've encountered some pretty foul smells in my time.

    My brother, who was built like a tank, was in the habit of sneaking into my bedroom and sitting on the pillows on my bed when he had a pop festival on deck. My father once claimed that he had, "filled up a whole couch."

    Also, I once worked at a Safeway where the men's room was frequently overwhelmed by the semisolid deposits of the elderly. Folks who drank prune juice out of spite and neither cared, nor were able, to figure out a better solution to their rising tides of fecal matter than to continually and ineffectually flush the toilet they had overwhelmed were the bane of my nostrils.

    On another occasion, I was unfortunate enough to be seated on a flight out of Washington D.C. behind a bunch of intoxicated German businessmen who proceeded to eat leftover refried beans from their lunch out of brown paper bags and chuckle every time one of them let loose a blast from their rears.

    Ben Franklin said, "Fart proudly." But I doubt he was ever stuck in coach for three hours behind a bunch of corpulent Europeans with a penchant for flatulence and legumes. Still, he did spend a lot of time in France...

    I digress.

    Now, we all know that some farts are nastier than others. As exemplified by my Germans example, some foods provide for more gastric emissions than others. Hell, I used to work in a Mexican restaurant! Take it from me.

    But the nastiest, smelliest and overall worst farts in the world are the ones that come from having eaten heavily at McDonald's. Mother of God, the stench! They're creeping farts too, not satisfying single ones that take care of the whole problem at once. Oh, no! If you smell that first whiff of processed reconstituted beef mixed with poo, you'd best be prepared to inhale that noxious awful for at least the next hour.

    Blegh.

    And that's the weirdest part: your farts smell almost, but not quite, entirely what the food you ate smells like. Eat McNuggets, smell McNuggets. Enjoy a salad, smell the stench of the salad dressing gone sour. Eat a Big Mac, prepare your sphincter to unleash the full fury of the secret sauce. And don't even get me started on the breakfast menu!

    Has anyone else encountered this phenomenon? Is it something specific to the Golden Arches or have you met with other foods whose dominant aromas are instantly recognizable? Frankly, smelling my lunch missed with anal gases is a deterrent to dining in the same establishment again. I imagine that some of you have felt this way too.

    Share your stories, speak of the foulness of flatulence and vent those spleens, people!

    @Rants

    ASMB Member since March 23, 2004.
    If brevity is the soul of wit, then abbreviation is the death of the soul.


  • Thunder Goddess
    0

    There are times that I am grateful for allergies and cigars - thanks to the combination, I suffer only a shadow of what being around people who've been eating fast food or Doritos are capable of. There's a lot to be said for having almost no sense of smell.

    “None of us are saints.” – Albert Fish
    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Stephen Wright


  • Puppy Power
    0

    You know, I've never come across anyone who farted.

    09/13/03


  • Babbling
    0

    Flatulence, the silent killer.


  • Rants
    0

    No, that's radon.

    ASMB Member since March 23, 2004.
    If brevity is the soul of wit, then abbreviation is the death of the soul.


  • Special Snowflake
    0

    You probably excuse yourself to go into another room and release your high-pitched farts.

    Memento Mori


  • Rants
    0

    scoobdog said:

    You know, I've never come across anyone who farted.

    Tomorrow, why not try public transit?

    ASMB Member since March 23, 2004.
    If brevity is the soul of wit, then abbreviation is the death of the soul.


  • SwimFan Banned
    0

    farts are like a mouth lacking reason ... or most of current earthly populations from since attempts at establishing relations were rendered irrelevant dives into illusions of self grandeur by the likes of parts from so of mocking powers that will never be obtained though only mimicked to the result of stale occurances left as a generation and generations upon generations of denial to resolve the stench of lifeless encounters partaken as the truth of the lie that compels flesch to be empowered at attempts to control what has amounted to a compilation of useless intent that doesnt fail to change course of so has proven its demise to the very reason reason to be an instance of a fresh start nothing short of a reverberating detail of consumption too everything before and everything that is ........ simply ... absolutely unimaginable ........ too resolve as a pure load of poop from me to you !!!!!!!!???????? ........

    the only thing better than better is better unless its its the flipside of all that is better ...

    subject too change ...


  • SwimFan Banned
    0

    ... that and taco bell is a conspiracy ...

    the only thing better than better is better unless its its the flipside of all that is better ...

    subject too change ...


  • Thunder Goddess
    0

    Cute cuddly kitty curled up next to my head dropped a fart that woke me out of a dead sleep. That was two hours ago, and my eyes are still bleeding. If I had a normal sense of smell, I'd be dead now.

    McDonald's? Pfui. Purina farts are the worst.

    “None of us are saints.” – Albert Fish
    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Stephen Wright


  • Babbling
    1

    I take it there are no White Castle's in your area?
    http://i.imgur.com/yqPz2nT.jpg

    Radiotsar, One Warped Vision, Charity Navigator
    Перший в стіну, коли революція іде!


  • 0

    a fart, is a turd honkin' for the right of way.

    we are all caught in the wordbox
    Way to go, asshole, now we're careening off into space and will definitely die. -.- ~ perfy


  • Rants
    0

    There are not. In-N-Out is open until 0200, though.

    White Castle products are, however, available in the frozen food aisle of many local supermarkets. On the two occasions I dared their processed mayhem I experienced only mild abdominal discomfort.

    McDonald's farts are far worse because you smell precisely what you consumed.

    ASMB Member since March 23, 2004.
    If brevity is the soul of wit, then abbreviation is the death of the soul.


  • Banned
    0

    oh my f**king god.

    this thread almost made me puke. I have to report this thread for being so gross.

    My farts smell like Leeks, cocaine and weeabo semen.

    CV01


  • Thunder Goddess
    0

    Doritos do that - they smell pretty much the same at exit as they do at entry, as well as at their various stop overs along the way. In fact, they're even essentially the same color on departure as they were on arrival.

    “None of us are saints.” – Albert Fish
    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Stephen Wright


  • Babbling
    0

    Arrem_Lowlander said:

    There are not. In-N-Out is open until 0200, though.

    White Castle products are, however, available in the frozen food aisle of many local supermarkets. On the two occasions I dared their processed mayhem I experienced only mild abdominal discomfort.

    McDonald's farts are far worse because you smell precisely what you consumed.

    Frozen from a store is not the same as getting them in an actual White Castle right off the grill. Trust me.

    Radiotsar, One Warped Vision, Charity Navigator
    Перший в стіну, коли революція іде!


  • Thunder Goddess
    0

    Are White Castle the same as Krystal's?

    “None of us are saints.” – Albert Fish
    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Stephen Wright


  • 0

    white castle is the yummiest yummy.

    krystals...well they try. not as good. not terrible.

    but...very similar. yes.

    we are all caught in the wordbox
    Way to go, asshole, now we're careening off into space and will definitely die. -.- ~ perfy


  • 0

    huh..at least i dont get off by my own bodily function, i guess...

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