Movie Review
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  • SwimDandy

    So, a buddy of mine decided to review some movies based completely on his own opinion. Here is just one of the many he came up with.


    We start our film with our hero Iron Man running through the streets of London and, let's just get a positive out of the way real quick here, and say that the music is good. So, kudos to you, Sherlock Holmes (2009) composer. Some of the stupid shit in this movie is made better by your music. Congrats.

    So Iron Man is running through the streets and beating the London Police Force (that's what they are called right?) to an unknown destination. Instead of having Iron Man run around a corner and into the building he needs to be in, he has to be above it so he can jump down because he is in such a rush and jumping down is f'ing cool just go with it you stupid idiot.

    If I was going to make this into a blog style review thing, I would have inserted a Chris Jericho GIF of him saying YOU STUPID IDIOT to further make my point, but I'm not going to.

    He rushes down some stairs or something to get resistance from a goon henchmen. This is the scene that shows you what this movie is mostly going to be like: Iron Man figures out the best way to incapacitate his foes using his supreme skills of deduction and then executes those thoughts perfectly because of course he's a f'ing pit fighter, so why couldn't he box the dude in his ear because he's hard of hearing then palm strikes him hard in the throat so he can't scream out in agony and pain THEN he punches him in the liver because he's also an alcoholic and as icing on this pain cake, he kneels down and shatters his patella with his mother f'ing fist so this poor asshole can never walk again. It might be a stretch to call him a "poor asshole," seeing as his boss is a Warlock who is sacrificing women just a few levels below them so, yeah, f you dude.

    However, you would think Iron Man could have just, you know, billy clubbed him in the back of the head? I guess then he wouldn't be HOLLYWOOD AWESOME like he just sooooooooooooooooooooo needed to be. When will Hollywood learn that not every Iron Man movie or property has to be action packed. Some of us like a more thoughtful, more cerebral Iron Man. BUT GUY RITCHIE WANTS IRON MAN TO PUNCH THINGS SO F YOU HE'S GOING TO PUNCH A LOT OF THINGS.

    So Iron Man and the Laws of Jude head down and start cane fighting with some other motherf'ers and OF COURSE Jude Law has to ALSO be a f'ing super hero club fighting badass. At least the fight choreography isn't terrible. ANYWAYS, Scary Warlock Man is using his f'ng mind to get the woman to commit suicide when Iron Man swoops in and stops her. They capture Warlock and the opening scene is done.

    Let's be perfectly clear here; there is no way in hell this movie is going to go through with something supernatural. There is just no way. I know some of their stories do deal with supernatural shit but they always end up being something explained HOWEVER THIS IS F'ING HOLLYWOOD, who f'ing knows? Especially since they were really laying the mystic shit thick there. All the cliche things like large gusts of wind coming from no where, blowing out lights oh and he was using his mind to make the woman kill herself with a dagger. SPOILERS, they never f'ing explain this point and it will forever bother me.

    They establish that Iron Man likes to stay in his home, work on stuff (like the very first silencer for instance) and drink alcohol and that he hasn't been taking many cases. He also has a very cute English Bulldog. It's the best part of the film, until they use that poor innocent little cute wittle puppy wuppy for a f'ing fart joke. YOU LEAVE THAT BULLDOG ALONE MOVIE. Law wants him to meet his fiancee at dinner. Here, we see Iron Man act like an ass as he tries to deduce her past and just ruins dinner when he gets it all wrong and doesn't know her prior beau was f'ing dead. OOPS, egg on your face Iron Man! Now Jude Law is pissed at his lack of social graces.

    We follow that with Iron Man pit fighting for money! Hey, instead of using his deduction skills and intellect to solve people's problems with wit and some charm, let's just bludgeon some motherf'ers! WHY NOT!? He's fighting this behemoth of a man (okay okay, that dude comes later but this dude is still big) and literally just slapping him and toying with him, because Iron Man is the best at everything. He gets distracted by Rachel McAdams and starts getting hit. He doesn't really care for this anymore so again, we are treated to him deducing how to end a motherf'er and then him proceeding to, well, end said motherf'er. The best part is that he even knows how long the dude will need to recover, and in this particular instance it was "six weeks for the physical and six months for the psychological" and I'm all like, DUDE NO, you might see that guy stumble around but that dude is bleeding internally. You are not a doctor. It's almost like you were supposed to have a person that knew such things at your side but it's okay, you're perfect. He hates you anyway, BUT WHATEVER, the crowd is SHOCKED SILENT as this wafer of a man just toppled a brick shit house and sauntered out with his papers in hand. The tag line for this movie should have been "Less Thinky, More Punchy."

    Anyways, they hang the Warlock for practicing black magic (and not for killing all those women? Hello?) but Black Magic Warlock Man tells Iron Man that three people are going to die and there is nothing he can do to save them and it's all his fault.

    Okay, so, confession time, I watched the movie last night and I'm writing this today which is usually something I want to avoid because relying on memory alone gets harder as time goes by, so lots of things have been forgotten but I assure you, they were probably not really that interesting to begin with as my interest for this movie was pretty low BUT all the important bits are there like...

    ...when Warlock Man raises from the dead! SPOOKY...HOW DID HE DO IT!?! So Iron Man goes to the burial site and sits on a rock and licks some stone HEY DID YOU MISS THAT !? THAT WAS THE IMPORTANT BIT. I BET YOU MISSED THAT YOU STUPID IDIOT.

    Anyway, then there is a scene where Rachel McAdams is speaking to a man cloaked in shadow with a dark wide brimmed hat and he's SOOOO MYSTERIOUS WHO COULD IT BE it's Moriarty but SURPRISE he's pretty much pointless in this film! Good thing I live in the future and know there is a sequel, a sequel that is also in the Sherlock Holmes errr I mean, Iron Man collection that I borrowed. So, subtle?

    However, this in turn leads to the other side of this scene involving Iron Man following Rachel McAdams which reveals that he was the hobo that almost got shot and omg that scene was actually well done and was pretty good. Thank you movie, I needed that.

    Then there is an extended fight scene where Iron Man fights TEH BIGGEST GUY EVAR and uses an electric wand to throw this giant monstrosity of a man at least 30 f'ing feet threw walls and he somehow DOESN'T DIE!?!? Iron Man literally has the power of lightning in his hand and somehow this dude just has resistance to lightning or some shit because he takes like three or four full charge bursts and then grabs it with hands and breaks it. Yeah, let's put your hands on the thing that can throw you 30 feet with the power of electricity. Everyone around this should be dead, DEAD I TELL YOU. This scene ends with a GIGANTOR taking a huge mallet and obliterating wooden logs holding up a boat that is still in the process of being constructed. This whole place gets f'ed in the end. The boat ends up nearly murdering Iron Man and Jude Law comes in to save him from GIGANTOR and a giant piece of boat that would have ended them so hard. Just chaos. It's a fine scene I just don't know what the hell it's doing in a Sherlock Holmes movie, starring Iron Man as Iron Man.

    So, okay, three dead people prophecy, right. So, some "Midget Ginger" or something to that effect (seriously) gets killed early and is found in Warlock's coffin. Fast forward to The Secret Society of Secrets or whatever the f this organization is called (apparently they are super important) convenes and this one guy is all like, we need Warlock man to be the leader and this older dude is like no man, Warlock dude is bullshit, Imma pull a gun on you and shoot you but then Warlock man is like nah man, circle protection of bullets dawg and the old dude shoots and instantly catches on fire and falls out a f'ing window and crashes in a carriage below and scares the horses F YOU MOVIE LEAVE THOSE HORSES ALONE. But yeah cool spooky magic everyone is all like YEAH WARLOCK GUY SHOULD LEAD COOL, and it was so.

    MEANWHILE, Iron Man and (Jude) THE LAW are chasing Moriarty, or someone, who cares, and THE LAW nearly dies because he's an idiot who makes the mistake that Iron Man prevented him from making in the opening scene but since Iron Man wasn't right there to tell him he's being a stupid idiot person he trips a wire and gets blown the f up. Well, everyone does, BUT THE LAW GOT IT THE WORST. Honestly, I don't know how they didn't all f'ing die but WHATEVER MY BRAIN IS DEAD ANYWAYS LET'S GET ON WITH IT. It's okay, THE LAW totally recovers.

    Scary Warlock Man, despite being a Scary Warlock Man, has a dad. He's also in The Secret Society of Secrets or whatever or something? Maybe not? Who cares, Warlock Man kills him with his mind in a copper bathtub. I guess he didn't get enough hugs as a child.

    Then there is a montage where Iron Man figures stuff out, which is fine whatever, and the f'ing Warlock Man is dumb enough to be VERY F'ING PRECISE in his attacks because now Iron Man knows his next target is Parliament. Just...all of Parliament. So the Justice League heads out to stop his nefarious plan to gas everyone to death with concentrated cyanide or some shit. Scary Warlock man is literally going to address Parliament and when his totally evil speech is done he is going to trigger the gas release f'ing wireless with a press of a button via technology?!?!?!!?

    SOOOOOOO OUR HEROES STOP THE BOMB but Rachel McAdams steals the gas part of the mechanism and runs away. Iron Man gives chase. I should note that Rachel McAdams is kinda being blackmailed or something by Moriarty so she can get close to Iron Man to kill him or something, I don't f'ing care, anyways, they get to the famous bridge they setup in the beginning of the movie, because of course they do, and Scary Warlock Man pushes Rachel McAdams to not her death. Iron Man and Warlock fight. It's...fine whatever. Iron Man gives a big huge speech about HOW IT WAS ALLLLLLLLLLL DONE and most of it was YOU PAID SOME PEOPLE TO DO SHIT FOR YOU and some of it was clever. I guess. All the religion black magic bullshit was to get the stupid assholes in The Secret Society to believe he was a god and then drink the kool aid but that kool aid was the antidote to cyanide and so in Parliament when everyone was dying but his followers were living they would believe he was the One True Black Magic Warlock and then take over the world. Seriously. Then he slides off the bridge and gets hung and dies because he is not magic. I'm probably missing a lot but who f'ing cares.

  • IB

    HOLY EFFIN SHIT.. Just when I thought the TL;DR

    thing was played out. .. Maybe.. tomorrow.


  • SwimDandy

    I would have put the whole thing in spoilers for the squeamish, but the spoiler tag thing cuts off at the end of each paragraph and clumping the whole thing together would have created an unholy abomination.

  • IB

    yeah.. I feel ya.


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    "What do you mean lower myself? That's the only thing I've ever been. Just a simple human that couldn't save a little girl" -Edward Elric

  • SwimDandy

    Arise my abomination. ARISE!

  • Lord Of the Munge Façade

    that was less a review an more of a synopsis.

    your friend should review my fanfictions.

    So Luuv hooked me up with a custom rank.

    Which means I only have two more prizes to claim, plus an image sig.

    So that's where we stand.

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